I just needed some nails.

I have to tell this story because it is such a ridiculous example of what my life is like here and the way things are done here.

I wanted a couple of nails to hang stuff up in my room. I checked a few of the stores that usually sell everything and anything I could possibly want, but alas, no nails. So I decide to ask Aj. Wandee, my 5/1 co-teacher who is one of the best English speakers at the school, about it at lunch one day. I ask her if she knows where I could get nails. She doesn’t know the word “nail” so I mime hammering a nail into a wall. She knows the word “hammer” so she understands and translates the word “nail” into Thai to herself. However, I don’t know the word for “nail” in Thai, so at this point, I just have to hope we are talking about the same thing. She asks me why I need them. I tell her I wanted to hang something up in my room. Aj. Wandee is not from Nan so she doesn’t know where to go to get nails. I tell her not to worry about it, never mind, but now she knows I need something and it is not Thai to know that you need something and not help you. She tells me she will ask a teacher that lives in Nan. This teacher, of course, does not speak a word of English and he is sitting at a different table. She asks him in Thai from our table where I can buy nails. He tells her from his table in Thai. She tells me in English and then repeats it back to the Thai teacher in Thai to make sure she said it correctly. They are still yelling across the lunchroom at this point and now everyone is staring. It turns out she told me the wrong way to go, so she tries to tell me again. I still don’t understand where she is telling me to go, so she and I spend a few minutes trying to use stores I know (mind you, no stores here have English signs so she can’t really use their names because I don’t know their names because I can’t read the signs that tell me what their names are) to tell me where to go.

Then the director (basically the principal but without all the work and a lot more of being a figurehead), who sits at my lunch table and barely speaks English, chimes in and asks Aj. Wandee in Thai to ask me how many nails I need. I sort of understand this because I know the Thai word for “how many”. I hadn’t really thought about that, but now’s not really the time to do so, so I just pick a number. Aj. Wandee asks me how many nails I need and I tell her I only need a few, like 4, and I say “4” to the director in Thai. However, the director also likes to pretend he can speak English and I’m not really in any position to tell him he doesn’t, so I also say “4” to him in English so that he thinks that I think that he speaks English. He asks Aj. Wandee why I need them, she asks me, I tell her to hang things up in my room, and she tells him that. He tells Aj. Wandee in Thai that because I only need a few, I can just get them from the janitor. She tells me this in English. Minor problem – the janitor does not speak English and he hates me because he controls the copy machine and I make him make a lot of copies. If I need to, I can again mime hammering some nails, but this still won’t guarantee he will understand me or that he will give me nails. Luckily, Aj. Wandee tells me she will ask the janitor for nails. Ok, good, problem solved, now that every teacher in the lunchroom is staring at me and aware of the fact that I want some nails, I’ve got the assurance that I’ll get some. I go back to eating my lunch.

Two minutes later, the director asks Aj. Wandee something in Thai, and she turns to me and asks me if my walls are cement or wood. I know my walls aren’t wood but I don’t know if they are cement – I’ve never really paid close attention to my walls and I’ve only used tape to hang things up in my room. Explaining this will take too long, so I just play dumb and say I don’t know to Aj. Wandee in English and then in Thai and English to the director. He sort of laughs and says something to Aj. Wandee in Thai. She tells me she will ask the janitor for both kinds of nails. Ok, good, I’m covered no matter what the hell my walls are made of. I go back to eating my lunch.

Two minutes later, Aj. Wandee asks me if I have a hammer. I don’t have a hammer but I know from hanging things up in my room at school that I can just use a high-heeled shoe. Therefore, the correct answer to this question is to just lie and say yes. I, however, despite the number of times my roommates have warned me that I give far too much information for my own good, do not lie and explain that I don’t but I can use my shoe. She looks at me for a minute and then tells me she will also ask the janitor for a hammer. I give up on explaining about my shoe anymore and just thank her. Ok, good, problem solved, when I see Aj. Wandee later that afternoon in class, I can get cement nails, wood nails, and a hammer.

That afternoon, in a class without Aj. Wandee, a different teacher interrupts me mid-sentence and pulls me out into the hallway. She gives me a hammer and about 10 nails of various shapes and sizes. She points to one kind and says, “Wood.” and then points to the other kind and says, “Cement.” This means that somebody explained to her that I needed both kinds of nails. This could have been Aj. Wandee or the story could have traveled through 4 more people to get to her. I thank her and go back into class, where the kids are rolling around on the floor and yelling at each other in Thai and wondering why the hell I’m now carrying a hammer.

Therefore, in order to just find out where I could buy some nails, I caused a scene at lunch, probably convinced many teachers that I was dumb because I didn’t know what my walls were made out of, interrupted 42 students from learning, and involved no less than 3 teachers, the janitor, and the director, thereby unintentionally traveling all the way up to the highest level of authority in the school.